29. Won Without a Word: the Witness of Femininity in the Home (1 Peter 3:1-6)

Within marriage, Godly femininity in the conduct of wives can, without a word, win their husbands over to obedience to the Word. In 1 Peter 3:1, the husbands in question are likely unbelievers who may be “won over'' to believe the gospel. However, believing husbands also benefit from the Godly femininity of their wives as they are “won over” to deeper obedience to God’s word.

Peter gives this instruction to wives within a larger train of thought, beginning with the admonition that believers “be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution,” (1 Peter 2:13-25, ESV). Citizens are to be subject to their emperor, servants are to be subject to their masters, and likewise, Peter explains, wives are to be subject to their own husbands. Those under authority have the honorable role, for the Lord’s sake, to show the goodness of God’s authority by faith through their submission to human institutions.

Contented conduct within each relationship of authority models how all creatures ought to submit to God’s authority. Model citizens (even under a Roman emperor) show that God is a just ruler, who graciously provides governors to distribute justice. Model servants bear the image of Christ, who entrusted himself to “him who judges justly,” by subjecting himself to unjust human judges (1 Peter 2:23, ESV). Model wives show that Jesus is the trustworthy, obedience-worthy, respectable Husband. They entrust themselves to Jesus by subjecting themselves to their earthly husbands. 

A wife can trust that her earthly submission glorifies God, and that He will ultimately care for her. However, her submission in marriage is not only “for the Lord’s” sake” but also for the husband’s sake. As a husband watches his wife’s submission, he has a front row seat to what it looks like to be subject to Jesus. As a wife entrusts herself to Him who husbands well, her earthly husband is urged to look up and see the One who sanctifies and beautifies his wife. 

He can see Jesus more clearly when…

• she carries herself in the home with respectful and pure conduct.

• she puts on a gentle and quiet spirit.

• she obeys her husband, calling him lord.

• she does good in the home.

• she does not fear anything that is frightening.
  

Each of these characteristics bears witness, in a uniquely feminine way, especially to her husband, of the satisfying authority of Christ. When a husband sees each of these traits in his wife, he may be won without a word to seeing Christ the way she sees Him. Far from bullying her husband into change, the wife is called to love and to seek his greatest good, which is for him to know and obey Christ more fully. 

Each of the following traits characterize Christ-exalting femininity in the home: 

1. Respectful and pure conduct

Most Christians agree that respectful conduct is a necessary part of winning outsiders over to the faith and maintaining unity within the church. However, this principle can be forgotten in the most familiar settings. Disrespectful conduct in the home, particularly on the part of the wife, may include (but is not limited to): belittling, sarcasm, eye-rolling, undermining the authority or reputation of the spouse in front of children or others, exasperation, or giving the cold shoulder.

In light of the imperative in Ephesians 5:22 to submit “as to the Lord,” are any of these behaviors a fitting way to treat the Lord Jesus? Peter calls for the return of respect to the core of the marriage relationship. The wife is reminded that although she sees her husband’s flaws up close, she is called to respect him not only as one of God's image-bearers, but as an image of God’s authority for her in particular. 

Pure conduct means delighting in what is good, and not taking pleasure in sin. In the realm of the home, this includes what one watches, reads, says, drinks, listens to, and does. To seek after what is pure and reject what is evil in the privacy of one’s own home is a powerful witness to up-close observers. A wife’s consistently pure conduct, even when hidden from the public eye, can baffle and intrigue an unbelieving husband, and spur a believing husband on to greater purity in his own private life. 

2. A gentle and quiet spirit

Gentleness is powerful. To complete his inaugural mission, Jesus came not as a conqueror but in the meekness of a lamb. Sinners are not led to repentance by manipulation or strong-arming, by the kindness of God (Romans 2:4). Likewise, as wives seek to win their husbands to obey the word (either for the first time, or more fully), they will find that gentleness, though at times undeserved, and often more difficult than harshness, is the proven way.

It is a quiet spirit, not a quiet personality, that adorns the hidden person and is precious to God. A woman with a quiet spirit does not feel the need to call attention to herself through exterior adornment. Obsession with attaining a desired body shape, elaborate hair and skincare routines, costly and time-consuming makeup application, or the constant acquisition of trendy clothes, may all be signs of a spirit that clamors for self-glory.

A noisy spirit places one’s self in the center of the home, while a quiet spirit is content to center Christ. If not through external adornment, a self-centering spirit may otherwise seek attention through perfectionism, quarrelsomeness, or self-pity (among others). But the spirit that is content to gaze at Christ rather than self is precious in God’s sight because Christ is precious. 

3. Reverent obedience to the husband’s God-given authority 

The clause, “to obey,” was removed from the bride’s matrimonial vows in the 1928 edition of the Episcopal book of Common Prayer. Today, those two words are rarely heard in weddings. Alongside their promises to love, cherish, comfort, honor, and keep, should brides be promising to obey their husbands as well? If marriage will be defined and shaped by God’s Word, then yes, wives should enter into and remain in marriage with the commitment to obey.

As shown in the previous verse, a woman’s obsession with her own physical beauty helps her husband little, and is of less value in God’s sight. Obedience to her husband, however, is of great value. A wife’s obedience helps her husband take seriously and grow in his leadership. If a wife takes or leaves her husband’s decisions as she likes, they will rarely have any impact, and will shrink in importance. However, if she is committed to obedience in the Lord, her husband’s decisions carry more weight. He can see the effects of his decisions and grow in making better, more God-honoring decisions for and with his wife. 

Sarah’s obedience to Abraham provides an excellent example. Her respect for her husband ran so deep that she naturally referred to him as “my lord” even in the privacy of her own thoughts (Genesis 18:12). Had Sarah not been an obedient wife, Abraham would not have been able to see the impact of his decisions (such as in Genesis 12:10-20 and 20:1-18). Readers also benefit from Sarah’s obedience because we are warned by Abraham’s example, we see God’s ultimate care for her, and we read God’s righteousness and grace to both of them over the longevity of their marriage. If Sarah had been a rebellious, independent wife, Abraham’s decisions would have been inconsequential, and generations would have missed out on seeing God show his character and keep his promises. 

A wife’s practical obedience in the home is meant to win the husband over to obedience to the word. It takes faith for the wife to influence her husband in this way rather than a myriad other ways. Just as Sarah entrusted herself to God in her obedience to her husband, and He did not neglect her, God takes ultimate responsibility for the wife as she obeys her husband through his imperfect decision making. Abraham did grow in obedience to God over the course of his life. It seems that in part, God used Sarah’s obedience to Abraham (though imperfect) to win him without a word. 

Obedience may play out practically in the home in some of the following ways:

• The wife helps her husband gain momentum in his taking initiative to lead. She welcomes his taking the first steps to make plans and solve problems, and supports these initiatives with her own wisdom and competencies. 

• If there is a disagreement about a decision that is unable to reach a consensus after thorough discussion, the wife, on the principle of obedience, willingly goes with the husband’s choice, trusting God to guide her husband and ultimately care for her and her family. 

This does not mean that the husband should make unilateral decisions, never considering the wife’s thoughts and preferences in decision making. The husband's leadership must make room for her queenly role as "fellow heir of the grace of life,” (1 Peter 3:7).  His habit should be to love his wife in his decision making with her, and to acknowledge his fallen nature, receiving the help God has given him through his spouse. But an obedient wife wants to send the message that her husband’s authority is from God, and submission to him is really an expression of her trust in Christ, her ultimate Head.

4. Doing good in the home

"An excellent wife who can find?

    She is far more precious than jewels.

The heart of her husband trusts in her,

    and he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good, and not harm,

    all the days of her life."

(Proverbs 31:10-12, ESV)

The pattern of the excellent wife is marked by doing good to others, and doing her designated tasks with excellence (Proverbs 31:10-31). Doing good shows her husband the worthiness of the endeavor of vibrant kingdom life in the home. He will see her excellence and look up to her King who does all things well. 

5. Not fearing anything that is frightening

Husbands and wives will face fears together: frightening news, diagnoses, crises, and death. When a husband sees his wife’s conduct, not fearing these things but entrusting herself to the Lord, he can draw strength from her. He may think to himself, “if she, who is weaker, can trust the Lord through this, ‘laughing at the days to come,’ then so can I,” (Proverbs 31:25). He can be won without a word by his wife’s fearlessness to face trials with faith. 

While the focus of this article has been on married women, the applications expand to other groups as well.

For husbands, a few questions for reflection:

1. Are you allowing yourself to be “won over” by your wife’s submission, imperfect though it may be? 

2. In what ways are you looking up at her God and learning obedience from her femininity?

3. Does submitting to you resemble submitting to Christ? How might you grow in this area?

4. Are you reverent of the fact that this woman under your headship is a royal heir together with you? How does this play out in the way you approach life with her?

For unmarried women:

While without a husband to witness to in the up-close and personal ways listed above, your femininity has a similar God-given purpose. As a single woman, you can reflect the above traits, as appropriate, to those with whom you live, and to the wider world in varying degrees. Those who come in contact with you as a Godly single woman living out her femininity can also be “won without a word” to see God’s worthiness in your submission to Him.

Works Cited

Scripture quotations taken from The ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version ®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

For further reading on obedience and submission in marriage:

Piper, John. “What will submission to my husband look like?” Desiring God. 18 December 2014. https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/what-will-submission-to-my-husband-look-like